BRF, ARE YOU DUMB?
The world (no longer just chronically online people) is collectively wondering where Kate Middleton is, and everything has spiraled.
As concerns about Kate’s whereabouts continued to rise, the British Royal Family began to panic. They threw spaghetti at the wall, leaving an embarrassing mess.
On Mother’s Day (the UK one), Prince William and Kate Middleton’s official Instagram posted a picture of her with their children, wishing the Brits a happy Mother’s Day. Just hours after the photo was live, the internet’s strongest soldiers started digging and showed evidence the photo had been altered- A LOT.
This TikTok breaks down all of the bad photoshopped errors
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There were so many evidence of the photo being photoshopped, “Kate” had to issue an apology,
and three international agencies refused to publish the photo, which led to the AP request for a kill notification. Do you know how royally fucked you have to be to get a kill notification?
Aside from the photo mess and Kate is still MIA, they’re soft-launching Prince William's side piece. I know in the last newsletter I shared I was not quite convinced by the conspiracies, but now, I’m a believer that something is up and maybe a divorce is in the pipeline.
Not even a day later, multiple news outlets began to introduce Sarah Rose Cholmondey, Marchioness of Cholmondeley (why are British people like this?). She is Prince William’s mistress, who is rumored to be divorcing her husband, David Rocksavage, 7th Marquess of Cholmondeley (what kind of title is this?). Prince William and Sarah have allegedly been hooking up since 2019, and now there are rumors she may be pregnant and divorcing her husband. Kate it’s not looking too good for you.
Now that we’re learning more about the waiting lady, news reports indicate that Kate is “emotionally unstable.” You know who they used to call “unstable” when they wanted the mistress to take over…his mother, Princess Diana. I know Diana is so disappointed her favorite son turned out to be just like her ex. Kate is close to the crown now that Charles is at death’s front door; this was her time to be Queen, but she might receive a resignation letter soon.
Something in the buttermilk is not right. Who knew the real reason Queen Elizabeth was hunched over was because she was carrying this family on her back? The second she left, everything went to mess. I kind of need Harry to get back in with the family because, you know, eventually, he’s going to spill everything in his follow-up book.
Meghan is entering her goop era
Speaking of Harry, Meghan Markle decided this is the perfect time to launch her new lifestyle blog, titled American Riviera Orchard. Not much has been revealed, but I assumed it would be an elevated version of The Tig.
This is the lane I’ve been asking Meghan to go into. I immediately signed up for the newsletter, just like I did when Gwyneth Paltrow dropped Goop’s first newsletter. Although I kind of think she’s hustling backward, this is the perfect avenue for her. I can’t wait to see what she unfolds.
The end of award season
It was hard to keep up with all the Kate Middleton news when my favorite time of the year had arrived– The Oscars. Jimmy Kimmel hosted for the umpteenth time, and it was a quick reminder that I prefer hosts who enjoy and celebrate movies. I know Billy Crystal wore blackface a few times but put his ass back on that stage and gave us a little song-and-dance medley about all the movies of the year.
That being said, I enjoyed the ceremony. All my favorites won, but the biggest surprise was that I enjoyed Ryan Gosling’s performance of “I’m Just Ken.” I spent the whole award season bashing it, just to turn around and scream, “KING.” It was so ridiculous that the Mickey Mouse Club machine never leaves a Mouseketeer, and it showed Ryan is a natural on the stage.
I still stand by the fact that the song is one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard until that night when I heard Diane Warren's flaming hot cheetos song. The academy nominated that over Dua Lipa’s “Dance the Night?” Justice for Dula Peep.
I must edit myself. All of my favorites did not win that night. My new favorite actor, Bradley Cooper, was ROBBED yet again. He has 12 nominations but no wins, and what does the Academy show for it? By using this insane clip for his nomination. Who hates him at the Academy?
Every year, a Hollywood legend comes out and announces the Best Picture winner. Who could forget the fiasco of Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway's La La Land/Moonlight? This moment was no different. Al Pacino walked out, didn’t name any of the film nominees (which apparently was planned since the films were announced throughout the ceremony), and then Al had the oddest delivery. Without any direction, he blurted, " My eyes see Oppenheimer.”
I can’t stop laughing at every beat, the silence when he said the winner because everyone was confused, the band’s delay, then the audience cheering, and Al asking, “What happened?” What do you mean what happened?
Here are some rapid-fire highlight moments
John Cena doing this
Jimmy Kimmel reading an actual Truth message from Donald Trump
This incident by Diane Warren
Emily Blunt’s stylist arguing with regulars over her Oscar dress
Emma Stone’s dress broke
I love movies and award shows and I’m sad my favorite time of the year is over.
I end this post with this hilarious video of Emma Stone.
Xo,
Britt.
Before I end this newsletter, I need to know your favorite Kate Middleton conspiracy.